just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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