Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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