My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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