I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
