is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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