Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
