He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize