Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We had sex on a dog bed..
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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