Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
