Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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