Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Randomize
