R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
