never play flip cup with pint glasses
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
