And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
