So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
