I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
