my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
