genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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