booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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