Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
