He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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