new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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