The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
