this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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