turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
