After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Actions speak louder than pants.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm sobbing to NWA
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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