this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My breasts were aching with rage.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
