I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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