I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
