Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
