she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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