I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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