True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
