i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
