i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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