I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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