Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
