My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
