I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
