the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
