Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
