If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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