It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
