Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
