I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
