remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
