i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
