i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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