I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
This baby is an asshole
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
