Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
