Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
