It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
