Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
