Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
