I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
