I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
